What I Have Learned

                I learned so much over the course of the semester.  One theory that I have learned that is unforgettable is the S-TLC method. This method is useful in any situation and I can definitely say I use this method every day of my life.  Other information I learned in this class are about anger-ins and anger-outs. Learning about anger-ins and anger-outs has helped me realize why some people act the ways they do when it comes to conflict. It has also helped me understand why I act a certain way when I encounter conflict as well. This is helpful because it I am able to figure out ways to approach people when in conflict and how to deal with myself. What has been essential is learning how to walk away from conflict when conflict is heated. Sometimes it is best to take a walk and really think about the situation. This had definitely helped when I encounter conflict. This whole class has been a learning experience and it has changed the way I view life.

Summarizing Class

This class is by far is the best class I have ever taken at San Jose State. I did not think I would learn as much as I did because of the fact that it was online, but I was wrong.  I enjoyed how convenient it is because everything is online. I also loved how we responded to classmate’s post and they responded to mine as well. It made it feel like we made a connection even though we have not seen each other.  One of the strengths of this class is our text book. Our textbook is interesting and easy to read which made the class fun. Another strength is definitely our professor. I am not just saying this because I know she will read this, but she seemed very approachable and friendly. I have not come across many professors like that in my college career.  I feel there are no weaknesses to this class and I would 110 percent recommend this class to former students.

Chapter 16, Question 1

When people think about conflict, I believe that emotions come to mind. For some people, expressing emotions can be very difficult.  People think about the process it will take to solve the conflict and that can be scary. People also think of conflicts as just problems and not solutions. In order for there to be a solution, there has to be problems.  In reality, conflict is a good thing. It gives people the opportunity to express how he or she feels and why. This way, both parties are able to work on the issues that create the conflict so it hopefully does not reoccur. We all encounter conflict if we like it or not, therefore learning how to deal with conflict benefits the way we act upon our next conflict. People need to start thinking of conflict as a learning lesson and not just problems.  If this message were carried out, I believe that people would not be so afraid of conflict and he or she would figure out the best solutions to solve their conflict. I believe they would not be so afraid of it because taking conflict as a learning lesson is much easier than taking it as a problem.

Chapter 10, question 3

                Revenge is one subject that had a lot of results when I searched on the internet.             I feel that whenever someone is mad, that person always thinks about revenge. Yes revenge sounds like a very hateful thing although; it is very natural for people to feel revenge when he or she is angry. Although some may feel revenge is a temporarily feeling, sometimes it is not. For example, I have two friends who do not get along at all. They always do something in spite to try and get at the other person. This has been an ongoing cycle for the past couple of years and it does not seem like anything will change soon. Just like chapter 10 mention it is an ongoing cycle.  They both have a very aggressive behavior which does not seem to help the situation what so ever. Sometimes people are able to reconcile and in other cases people cannot.

Chapter 12, question 2

                Last month it was my 22^nd birthday.  I complained the last couple of birthdays that my mom never did anything special for me. This year I complained to my sisters that I was pretty sure mom was not going to do anything special for me this year as well. The day before my birthday, my mom asked what I was going to do to celebrate my birthday. My response to her was, “I don’t want to do anything, it is not like we ever do anything special on my birthday anyway”. I had always felt that if I wanted to do something for my birthday, I had to plan it myself.  I made her feel really bad and I could tell she was a little down by the tone of her voice. That same day, I came home to a very big home cooked meal and my sister who came from out of town was there as well. I felt really bad in saying my mom puts no effort into my birthday.

                There have been times when my mom gets upset when a chore around the house has not been done. One day she was very upset to know that the bathrooms had not been cleaned when she arrived home from work. What was clean was the kitchen. As she was yelling she asked, “Who cleaned the kitchen?” Not knowing if he did it or not I answered “Francisco”, who is my step dad.  It turns out he did clean the kitchen and good thing he did because if that wasn’t clean along with the bathrooms, my mom would have been mad the whole day.

Chapter 10, Question 1

                Letting go of feeling of revenge is easier said than done. As I looked up forgiveness on the internet I found over 56,100,100 results. Most of the result that appeared consisted of religious websites and quotes from the bible. I feel that forgiveness is one of the main teachings in all religions. The religious websites contained ways on how and why to forgive others. Forgiveness and reconciliation go hand and hand. When one forgives, one is able to reconcile a relationship from the past.  The search result for reconciliation also featured beliefs from all religions. Catholic and Buddhism are the two main religions that appeared when reconciliation was searched.  When I searched revenge, it was a completely different story. There were thousands of television shows and movie clips that resulted. Facebook was advertised as revenge as well. I believe that revenge plays a role in drama. Drama catches the eyes of many people therefore, movies and television shows are called revenge. I was quite surprised to see Facebook advertised as a part of drama. It does make perfects sense. Facebook is drama and sometimes people do get revenge as he or she use social networking.  

Chapter 10, question 3

Forgiveness is such a huge part in living a stress free life. Just a couple of months ago, I was going through the roughest times because I found it very hard to forgive others.  I was very upset with my dad because I felt that he had always failed me when I needed him so, I stopped talking to him for a couple of months.  Then, I had a huge argument with my mom which led me to move out of my house. I was not talking to both of my parents and I felt so horrible. I stressed me out so much that it had a big effect on homework and work. I was not able to function the same and I would start crying out of nowhere. I learned that even though someone may not say sorry for what they did or said, I sometimes have to forgive them anyway just to live a healthy life.

Chapter 10

For some people forgiveness is very simple but for others, it can be very difficult. One person I have a difficult time forgiving is my dad. My parent divorced when I was one year old and it was very difficult growing up in a single family home.  My dad was in and out of my life while my mom struggled to keep a roof over her daughter’s head. My mom worked 12 hours a day, four times a week which has done a lot of damage to her body.  Now, my dad wants to have a full on relationship with me but, I find it very difficult to forgive him for not helping my mom raise my two sisters and I when we were little. Because my mother is always in pain and always is exhausted from work, I feel anger towards my dad. I feel that if he would have contributed to our lives as children, my mom would be much happier now and not in so much pain on an everyday basis.

Chapter 9

As a member of Facebook, I present myself as a low key but yet fun person. What I hope that people get from my Facebook page is that I am a strong, independent and hard working woman.  I always try and stay positive because I choose to see the better side of things instead of the negative.  There was one incident where I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I and, a guy that I had dated years ago. He made a comment on the picture saying, “You can do better than that”. I was really upset and deleted his comment as well as deleted him from my friends list as well.  These kinds of things happen all the time in social networking and it relates to communication and conflict. The conflict is always someone posting something about you that you wanted no one to know or making rude comments.  The approach you take on handling the situation is where the communication takes place. You could one, swoop to their level and argue back or two, speak to the person who made the post in a calm manner. Discussing to the person who made the comment and telling him or her that you really didn’t appreciate what they said will most likely prevent it from ever happening again. These social network pages can cause a lot of conflict but yet, we still contribute to it every day.

Chapter 8, queston 3

                Anger-outs and anger –ins both have their site affects. In my family I feel like anger-outs is hereditary. We all lash out at each other whenever we are angry. My mom is a perfect example of someone who uses anger-out. When she is angry about the kitchen or bathroom being dirty, she starts to yell out of nowhere which creates a lot of tension between her and people who live in the household.  While learning different techniques on how to communicate, I stopped responding to her lash outs and started to observe her. While I observed her yelling at my stepdad for not washing the dishes, I thought of a way to help her communicate better. After she was done yelling at him, I calmly asked her if she thought there was a better way to get her message across without yelling. She thought about it for a moment and realized there was no need for such a dramatic reaction. Now, she tells me to kindly point out to her when she is going back to her old habits.

Chapter 8, Question 2

                Chapter 8 focuses on how people react to anger. Everyone acts differently when they are angry and that is why sometimes people may clash.  I do not lean more towards anger-out or anger-ins, I am a bit of both. When it comes to family, I am a person who uses anger-outs. The reason for that is because I am more comfortable with my family than the outside world. I am not proud to say but when I do blow up, it upsets people and it causes whoever I am angry and I to not communicate for a while. When I am at work, I am someone who uses anger-in. Because I try to keep a professional image, I am low key and try not to say anything at all. Although I do not say anything, I tend to keep my anger all inside which causes a distance between the people I am angry at and I. That sometimes leads to unwanted issues at work.

Chapter 7 Question 1

In order to maintain a healthy balance between school, work, and social life, there has to be a middle ground. In chapter seven, we read about the three solutions to help us as humans to sustain a stress-free lifestyle. The first solution is work and play. The chapter expresses how saving time to do effortless activities can help ease one’s mind. For me, playing a couple of games on my phone in between homework breaks helps to let my mind drift off into a free world. The second solution suggests finding joy in school and work. I could apply this to my life by finding a major I really love or a job that I really enjoy. This way, the day is something to look forward to instead of becoming dreadful. Last but not least we have the third solution which consists of finding joy and pain in what we do. For example, there is a lot of pain in studying for a midterm although; the joy of it is receiving a good grade. The three solutions can reduce everyday stress and help us to live a happier life.

Chapter 6, question 3

Trust in a relationship is sacred.  It is a common binding factor and produces a sense of security. When trust is the core of one’s relationships, the relationship is successful. Trust is important not only in a relationship between a man and a woman but also between children and parents, coworkers and friendships. In my previous relationship, I had complete trust for my significant other although; it did not stay that way. We both started the relationship on a solid ground of trust. I never had to worry about where he was or who he was with. One day we went to dinner and I was texting someone on his phone. After I was done texting, the rest of his messages showed up. I seen that he had messaged another girl and they had planned a night out together. After I see his text message, I was never able to have full trust in him again. It was the beginning of a failed relationship.  

Chapter 6, Question 2

Being in an unbalanced relationship is very unhealthy. An unbalanced relationship feels like the job you never want to go to. I have been in a relationship where I have had the power but, I have also experienced the flip side of having less power as well. When I had the power in my previous relationship, almost anything I said went my way. Although most decisions were made by me, I did not only consider my feelings. My decisions were based off what I thought was best for my boyfriend and I. When I thought he was wrong about something, I would briefly discuss to him why I thought his decision was wrong. When I had less power in the relationship, I felt like I had a third parent. I was always nagged at and could not do whatever I wanted without notifying my significant other. I felt so horrible that all I wanted was out of the relationship and I did just that.

Chapter 6, Question 1

I take trust very seriously.  It takes a lot for me to have %100 percent trust in someone that is why I value trust so much. One person I lost trust for is my friend from work. We once had a very close friendship. We would call each other various times a week and have two hour long phone conversations. I would tell her almost everything. Eventually, I ended up working under her at our counter. As soon as she took over the counter, I began to hear from her boyfriend and several other people whom she was close to, that she wanted to get me fired. After I heard that, management told me what she said behind my back and I was devastated. I lost complete trust in her and couldn’t believe she had gone behind my back and talked badly about me. After I had heard all the bad comments that she had made, I became very distant. When she would ask me a question, I would give her short answers. When she would ask me a personal question, I would change the subject. Unfortunately, I was never able to trust her and we no longer have a friendship.  

Chapter 4 Question 3

After reading chapter four, I had a conversation with my mom. In our conversation, we had a disagreement but, this time I handled it differently. My mom was trying to convince me to talk to one of my family members that had previously exchanged some unpleasant words with me. The words hurt me so bad that I lashed back at him calling him names. In that situation, I did not use the S-TLC method instead, I responded quickly in a negative way. After four month, I still have not had an apology from this person and I feel extremely hurt to even say a word to him. While having a conversation with my mom, I stopped, gave her a chance to state her opinion then and after taking a few seconds gave her my opinion as well. Using the S-TLC method has helped me communicate better with my mother instead of arguing about our disagreements. This is an amazing method, it really works!

Chapter 4 Question 2

When people are talking to me, for the most part I am thinking about what they are saying. Although I am listening and taking things in, it doesn’t mean I always agree with them. This may be why the S-TLC method is hard for me to follow. When I first start to listen to the other person talk, I stop and listen. Once they say something I don’t agree with, I start to drift off a little and think about how wrong I think the person is. The times I do think about my own interest is when someone is talking to and he or she is just going on and on about everything. When I feel like there is no end to the conversation I just think about my own interest and nod my head so they think I am still listening to what they are saying. When someone is talking to me about something really serious I give them my undivided attention. There is no drifting off; all my attention is on him or her for support.

Chapter 4 Question 1

Personally, I find it a bit difficult to stop a conflict. When I feel that someone is in the wrong and has crossed the line, I tend to interrupt and talk over them. This unfortunately an automatic response I have in some conflicts. Although, when it comes to my work place, I deal with conflict a little differently. I take a quick minute to gather my thoughts and say what is on my mind in a polite way. For myself and for others, I highly recommend the S-TLC method to deal with conflicts. It is a great way to stop and take a moment to gather your thoughts and listen to what the other has to say. If you stop, you save yourself the embarrassment of over reacting.  When you think before you act, you are most likely not going to regret your actions. Listening can help to communicate better and help mend the conflict. Last but not least, both parties should always communicate. This will allow the conflict to be discussed in a calmer manner and provide healthy confrontation. This system is highly recommended for all conflicts and will have positive outcome. What works best for me is having a whole day to gather my thoughts. It helps me not overact as well as allows me to jot down all the points I want to discuss.

Chapter 11 Question Three

                                                      The Role Of The Mediator

A mediator plays a very important role when solving a conflict. The mediator is able to look at a problem from both point of views. The mediator should have a neutral l feeling towards both parties so that he or she does not favor one over the other. The mediator also can calm a heated conversation down and try to interpret what one or the other is saying to not hurt anyone’s feelings. Unfortunately, this does not always happen. For example, I have a meeting coming up with my coworker and manager. My coworker likes to talk behind my back and has a made a perception of me to the manager that is not true. Because my coworker is passive aggressive, my manager favors her.  My manager doesn’t not notice she is being passive aggressive but I can see right through her. I am not looking forward to this meeting because it is obvious my manager favors my coworker. A mediator should not make it obvious that he or she favors one over the other. If so, one of the parties may feel uncomfortable and the conversation may not go smoothly.

Chapter 11 Question Two

Using common ground methods to solve a problem can really help find a resolution. It may seem that in many conflicts people often forget not to involve their interpersonal problems.  To help solve a conflict, I would mostly definitely use  fractionation. This way, the problems are much easier to deal with. If I do not do this, the conflict might seem overwhelming for both parties. Also, when looking at the problems in portions, one might remember what to say. Often if the issue is looked at and is trying to be solved as a whole, one might forget what they wanted to say. That may lead to an issue that is never discussed therefore, never solved.

Framing is an excellent technique to keep the conversation very neutral and calm. This way, the issues are getting solved instead of feeling belittled by the other party. This will help conflicts become more of a stress reliever instead of leaving the conversation very tense. Reframing can help the conversation flow without hurting one another which is key for solving an issue. I might also use common ground to avoid any future conflicts. When using common ground, both parties are able to discuss expectations and goals to help one another work together in a healthy environment. All of these techniques are very important and can most definitely solve any issue.

Chapter 11 Question One

Communication majors make excellent mediators because we come in with a variety of different techniques. Not only do we come in with different techniques but, we are trained not to take sides. Through our training, we are able to encourage others to cooperate and stray away from competition. The average person is more prone to let their own opinion affect the conflict or conversaion. They are not skilled like communication majors are to make the conversation flow a lot smoother. Because they are not skilled, they are not aware of which boundaries to cross. When it comes to lawyers, the are likely to take a side, that is their job. They are trained to take a side and deffend it with facts and strong opinions. A psychotherapist might find it hard to mediate because they might take in to account the emotional affects each person has. Therefore coming to a conclusion would be very difficult for both lawyer and psychotherapist as apposed to a  trained communication major.

Chapter 3 Passive -aggressive communication

This concept really interest me mainly because I am experiencing a lot of this at work. I feel that people who use passive-aggressiveness as a form of communication are very selfish and not trustworthy. At work, I have two managers. I have my counter manager who runs our cosmetics line and another manager who runs the whole cosmetics department. My counter manager and I use to be friends before I started working with her. I have the same manager experience as she but I came to work under her as a part time worker to focus more on school. When I started working with her, she had just got promoted to counter manager. The main cosmetics manager was noticing that our counter was always messy and seen that I was constantly cleaning. She approached the other girls and I and asked if our counter manager was doing any of the cleaning and we told the truth and said no. My counter manager was always making me set up and take down for all events and gave my coworker and I bad schedules. She never worked a Sunday and always opened. The main manager quickly noticed and instead of my counter manager working on helping out she talked really bad about me and blamed all her failers on me. She stabbed me in the back and went straight to the manager instead of talking to me. Before I had talked to the main managers about the issues, I approached her and gave her a chance to fix it. Her intentions were to make me look bad just so she could make herself look good. I think she it is jealous that I make my goal on a daily and she is scared that I will take her positions which are not my intentions at all.  People who are passive-aggressive try and find an easy way out and tend to point fingers to make themselves feel better. I hope that these people will find a better way to communicate because this form of communication will not always get them out of trouble.

Chapter 3 Abusive Parents

Every child needs discipline at one point in their life. There are several different ways to discipline a child and some parents choose to hit their children. I do believe that a child does need a little smack every now and then when they are misbehaving although, it shouldn't hurt. I believe that when you a hit a child or teen it should hurt them within not without. I feel that the pain they feel within from disappointing their parents is much stronger than pain without. When a child begins to have bruises or cuts is when the line is definitely drawn and that's when it is called abuse! A child should not be beaten just so he or she can learn their lesson. If parents are abusive, I believe that will cause a huge strain on the relationship. Instead of the child feeling comfortable talking to the parents, they will become afraid of their parents which can lead children to hiding secrets. Children should feel comfortable communicating with their parents so that they could guide them through life. Without communication there is no guidance for the child. Strict discipline can be taught through firm talks and grounding them from entertainment. There is no reason why parents should become abusive.

Chapter 3

The orientation that I use is the relationship-centered orientation.  I use this orientation because I feel this is best for avoiding conflict. An example of how I have used relationship-centered orientation in the past, is when I use to be a counter manager. I had a part-time worker who worked a minimum of 15 hours a week. She was having a very difficult time managing school and work. It was so hard on her that she would call out sick several times during the week. It would get me very angry when she did not show because my counter had no coverage at night once I left work. Instead being passive aggressive or avoiding the conflict, I sat down with her to ask her what I could do to help her out at work. We figured out a good schedule for her and she started showing up to work. A couple of weeks later, she started calling out sick and eventually stop showing up. The out come is not always what I want when I use relationship-centered orientation but, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe her not showing up was best so that I could find someone who fit the position.  I favor this orientation and almost never lean toward another. In my opinion this is the best way to solve a problem and avoid conflict that is not needed.

Concept from chapter 2

The confrontational avoidance cycle is a concept that really interest me.  This concept mainly introduces the fact that there are many people who avoid any type of sticky situations. He or she usually start talking about something else when the conflict is brought up or, will avoid the person he or she has the conflict with. I can definitely relate to confrontational avoidance cycle when is comes to my job. Currently, I am a beauty advisor for a successful cosmetics company. I am part time employee who came from being a full time counter manager at the last store I was located. I transferred stores to have less hours to focus more on school.  My counter manager is someone who avoids any kind of conflict and is also passive-aggressive. She is very lazy and I do all her work. When I come to her and try and talk about what is bothering me, she always seems to talk about something different or just says that we will sit down and talk about it later. The tension at the counter is growing by the minute because she is avoiding the conflict and issues therefore they are not getting solved.  There is always a problem but never a solution. Because of the lack of communication, the counter is very dis functional and it does not make my work place enjoyable. Lack of communication is something very big when it comes to any types of relationships. When there is good communication, there is good flow. Without it, it is a sinking ship.

Chapter 2

It is definitely hard to admit but, I use non- process communication.  As a teen, I use to think my ways were always the right ones.  No matter what, I would argue my way until I got the answer I wanted. After my teen years I came to realize that I need to be considerate of how other people think.  Not everyone grew up like me and have the same value. Some people just don't know any better and have grown up a certain way.
One good example of this was when I was 16 years old and had a boyfriend.  My boyfriend and I were complete opposites.  Both of his parents got into trouble when he was a young boy and he had to live with his grandmother who was to old to care where he was constantly was going. I was fortunate enough to have my mother and two sisters who truly cared about me. My boyfriend eventually had got caught up into the gang life and was doing things I did not approve of. I would always nag at him for skipping school and participating in all the bad habits his gang member had.  Then, he would judge me for judging him. I could never see his view and he could never see mine.  I could never understand how he felt like his gang member friends were the only people who cared about him and could not understand the cycle and history his family had with gangs. I expected more out of him and he expected to repeat his family history because he felt like that's all he could do.
It was a process that never stopped.

Chapter 1

I truly believe that conflict is an inborn trait. I believe that some people get along better when a conflict occurs.  Conflicts allow people to eventually sit down with  one another and discuss their opinions and try and to compromise. Situations like this refer to conflict resolution.  It is in our nature to have different opinions from people we work with and have close relationships.  In a work place there is usually conflict resolution because the goal is to find a solution to have a happy work environment.  In chapter one, the author mentions inevitability of conflict principle which expands on how we as human beans should learn  to deal with minor and major conflicts. No matter how much we try and avoid conflict, there is no stopping it.  There are different ways of confronting conflict, it is just a matter of choice.  People usually try to avoid conflict because it is a very uncomfortable situation as said so in chapter one. Although, the more conflict is confronted, the more confident we feel when dealing with a new one.  Conflict is very natural when having close relationships.  The more comfortable you are with a friend, lover or family member, the more opinionated one another become. There is conflict all around us, it is a choice on how one deals with it.

Introductory Post

Hi everyone,

I am a third year student at San Jose State University with a major that is undeclared.  I am taking this course so that I am able to declare my major as communication studies.  I am looking forward to the new semester and year!

I was born and raised in the city of San Jose.  Although I love my hometown, once I graduate I am looking forward to exploring and establishing myself in a new city! I am a very busy girl now a days with a lot of new changes.  I truly enjoy my job as a makeup artist and want to further my career within a cosmetics company after graduation.  I would love to be a trainer for a cosmetics company so that I am able to travel with my company..

On my free time I love to spend time with my family. I have a huge family and there is never a dull moment! I also love to dance and especially sing which is one of my passions! When I am not working, I am usually singing and dancing around the house while I am cleaning or doing my homework. I hope everyone has a great semester, good luck!

Stephanie